I’m looking forward to this week for so many reasons, but before we go there…how about why I love my life right at this very moment?
Yesterday I had to have an uncomfortable financial discussion with Steve. I always dread these; we have very different ideas about how money should be used and I had drawn down the money market quite substantially during this period of . . . let’s not call it unemployment, let’s call it having no income . . . and it was time to tell him about it. I put it off for two weeks, living in dread the entire time. Every time he called me during the day, I was afraid that maybe he had stopped by the bank and checked the balance. Every time a bank commercial came on TV I’d just about stop breathing. He wanted to take me out to dinner; I didn’t want to go because I felt so trapped by the knowledge that this discussion must be had and my fear of that prospect. It was truly neurotic. And of course he chose this time to be extraordinarily loving and sweet (he nearly always is but this was truly remarkable), and I didn’t want to spoil his good mood. And we’ve both been sick, and it didn’t seem like the right time to tell him right before a meeting. . . and a thousand other excuses. So yesterday I finally told him and all he said was, “Can you make me a list of where the money went?” and it wasn’t even an accusatory question.
Perhaps I have more issues than I like to think possible. The worst part of all of this was that during the time of waiting, of course, I couldn’t tell him how I was feeling. It has only been in the last several months that I have been able to admit fear to him, and it was such a relief to make that confession and still have him loving me at the end of the conversation. So the best part of the conversation yesterday, for me, was to tell him that I don’t want to live like this, I want to live the rest of my life with him and not afraid that I’m making mistakes that are going to make him think less of me. I know…it sounds ridiculous, and I know it’s anxiety talking…I have been having some real struggles with anxiety lately and leaving the Chamber simply brought them to the surface. We’ve been married nearly 30 years and it’s a good marriage. But I have some real feelings of inadequacy within this marriage…not HIS fault…just my issues rearing their heads (and let me tell you, they’ve been VERY busy for the past year!). It’s a topic for prayer and perhaps a little counseling in the near future. If I can become as good a wife as he is a husband, this house will positively glow.
So that’s more or less behind me now. The house is fairly clean, we’re enjoying a nice gentle rain that should green things up and keep the burn ban at bay, the coffee is outstanding today and Steve is sleeping the sleep of the just for another few minutes. It’s quiet, peaceful, and the hospital is finally checking my references. Surely this will be the last hold up for the position I really, really, really want.
Last week I was fortunate to watch a friend’s dream come true as Sandra opened the doors to Renaux’s Cafe. She and Pat have worked EVERY DAY for several weeks now getting the place ready to open, with the help of other friends who have popped in as time allows. On Thursday, I helped in the kitchen and on Saturday I waited tables. I forgot how much fun waiting tables can be…not everywhere, but where the kitchen staff care about the food and everyone is working together, it is like being the Queen to present the finished product to a table of folks who are out having fun. I know Sandra will do well, and the place is SO cute! I am not a huge shabby chic fan, and the art on the walls is not at all what I would have picked, but the place is just adorable (and thinking of all the decorating ideas I’d like to try in my girl cave, perhaps I AM a fan of shabby chic). I am, at any rate, astonished at what Sandra’s been able to accomplish in a short time with a limited budget. She and Pat…what a couple of role models!
This morning I will take Steve to pick up the Cobra, which has had the top replaced. Then I’m heading off to a meeting at the hospital with the research team I hope to be working with (actually, I’m working with them now, but I mean as a co-worker instead of a contractor). Four of my five references have responded to the reference request from the hospital, and the fifth one is probably the weakest reference of the lot, so I’m feeling very encouraged.
God has my life under perfect control even when I forget that, and even though I just realized that all of you will read my admission of fear above, I’m leaving it there. It’s not like you don’t know, for crying out loud. But look at me! I’m getting anxious just thinking about it! So it’s time to click the publish button and I’m going to be counting on you to not — I don’t know…what is it I think might happen if people know I’m sometimes fearful? Okay, I’m counting on you to still be my friend when you get to this point. Thanks. 🙂