I know, that surprises you, right? I mean, I can do anything I set my mind to. But this database thing is challenging me like I haven’t been challenged in years. I think the last time I was this frustrated must have been in my last research methods class, where I thought I was taking a research class but it ended up being a programming class…because programming is necessary to do research.
This is related to that, of course, since the database is for a clinical trial. But here’s the thing: I have spent the last week in a state of nearly blind panic because I thought I had to produce a fully functional database next Thursday (with an interim meeting this morning to look for obvious errors). Since I’m flying by the seat of my pants and learning some pretty complex stuff as I go, I an not well prepared. I told Steve last night that I’ve never been so scared and unsure of how to proceed…on Wednesday and Thursday I invested over 23 hours in this thing and made very little progress. I don’t want to make MY client look bad in front of HER clients, and I don’t want to depend on a personal relationship with her when I should be depending on my abilities. Steve, being the excellent husband that he is, helped me prepare a battle plan that basically involved me talking to my client and telling her what’s going on, that the past 6 weeks have been nothing but distractions, and that I KNOW I can get this done but I’m not sure about meeting the deadlines. He also suggested some things to try on a particularly troublesome query that I’m working on.
I crashed at 9 and didn’t get up until 5:30, which is crazy late for me these days.
Got any doubts about God’s existence? This morning my client texted me to see if we could postpone today’s meeting to Monday. I texted back ABSOLUTELY and asked her to give me a call when she had a few minutes to talk. When she called, I told her that I wasn’t ready, the database wasn’t ready, I didn’t think I could get it ready, blah blah blah. She laughed because she wasn’t expecting anything like that; she just wants to see the user interface. Which is fairly simple.
So I think I’m actually AHEAD of the game. So of course I have not done much meaningful work today…I early voted and made a trip to the grocery store, then I dropped off some trays to a friend, and then I came home and made chili and have just put cinnamon bread dough into the fridge for a nice long slow rise so I can share that treat with my favorite daughter. But I’ve got a plan laid out for the next several days to really wow my client’s clients on Thursday.
How wonderful to have someone to whom I can say, “Honey, I don’t know what I’m doing here, and I’m scared, and I think I’m going to fail.” And how wonderful that while he believes that I felt the way I said I felt, he doesn’t believe that I’m going to fail. And do you know why I was able to confess to Steve how rotten I was feeling? Several weeks ago, before I gave notice at the Chamber (so this must have been in July), I dreamed that I had shot one of my Board members. In my dream I went to Steve and said look, I’m really in big trouble and I need your help. By the time we got to my truck, the cops were there and had found the Director’s body…but Steve stayed with me even as I was being arrested and hauled off to jail. Think I have a guilt complex? Anyway, the profound relief that I felt in my dream has stayed with me and I take it as direct information from God that Steve can be trusted with my fears and self doubt. Not that Steve is an idol, but in many ways he does serve as a reminder to me that grace is true, that God is good, and that both of them love me very much.
Have a WONDERFUL weekend!