Well, okay, the elephant — great dane, whatever form it chooses to take — has become too big to continue to ignore. These days, before I make a big move, I consult with The Google and pray (sometimes in that order, sometimes not). Here’s something I found on Google, searching the term “estrangement.” By all means, visit the link and read the full article…it’s amazing. The bold and italic emphasis are mine because this thought rings so true for me.
…I would rather be dead than spend eternity with our mother! And do I really mean that when I say it? Yes, I really mean just that: after being my mother’s daughter, I would rather be dead than spend eternity with her….This was bliss, my two children in love with me, and I with them. Nothing has gone wrong, as far as I can see, but tears have been shed over my not being completely enthusiastic about going to a final basketball game in a snowstorm, or saying something I should have kept in my mind’s mouth. A particularly unforgivable act in my children’s eyes is a book’s dedication I made to them; it read: “With blind, instinctive, and confused love to Annie and Harold, who from time to time are furiously certain that the only thing standing between them and a perfect union with their mother is the garden, and from time to time, they are correct.” I wrote this with a feeling of overbrimming love for them, my children. I was not thinking of my own mother directly, not thinking of her at all consciously at that exact time, but then again, I am always thinking of my mother; I believe every action of a certain kind that I make is completely influenced by her, completely infused with her realness, her existence in my life. …..And so in eternity will my children want to be with me? And in eternity will I, their mother, want to be with them? In regard to my children, eternity is right now, and I always want to be with them. In regard to my mother, my progenitor, eternity is beyond now, and is that not forever? I will not speak to her again in person, of that I am certain, but I am not sure that I will never speak to her again. For in eternity is she in me, and are even my children speaking to her? I do not know, I do not know.
I don’t know yet what I’m going to do, I just know I’m going to do something. It may be to choose to continue the estrangement with a new awareness that it is NOT okay with me.
I just know that leaving the ball in Mom’s court and my sister’s court is not working for me. But the appropriate response? I do not know, I do not know.
Your prayers would be appreciated.