The Wordstress Blog

The Wordstress ponders the birds and the bees.

Estrangement May 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — eastlakecounty @ 6:49 pm

estrangement

Well, okay, the elephant — great dane, whatever form it chooses to take — has become too big to continue to ignore. These days, before I make a big move, I consult with The Google and pray (sometimes in that order, sometimes not). Here’s something I found on Google, searching the term “estrangement.” By all means, visit the link and read the full article…it’s amazing. The bold and italic emphasis are mine because this thought rings so true for me.

…I would rather be dead than spend eternity with our mother! And do I really mean that when I say it? Yes, I really mean just that: after being my mother’s daughter, I would rather be dead than spend eternity with her….This was bliss, my two children in love with me, and I with them. Nothing has gone wrong, as far as I can see, but tears have been shed over my not being completely enthusiastic about going to a final basketball game in a snowstorm, or saying something I should have kept in my mind’s mouth. A particularly unforgivable act in my children’s eyes is a book’s dedication I made to them; it read: “With blind, instinctive, and confused love to Annie and Harold, who from time to time are furiously certain that the only thing standing between them and a perfect union with their mother is the garden, and from time to time, they are correct.” I wrote this with a feeling of overbrimming love for them, my children. I was not thinking of my own mother directly, not thinking of her at all consciously at that exact time, but then again, I am always thinking of my mother; I believe every action of a certain kind that I make is completely influenced by her, completely infused with her realness, her existence in my life. …..And so in eternity will my children want to be with me? And in eternity will I, their mother, want to be with them? In regard to my children, eternity is right now, and I always want to be with them. In regard to my mother, my progenitor, eternity is beyond now, and is that not forever? I will not speak to her again in person, of that I am certain, but I am not sure that I will never speak to her again. For in eternity is she in me, and are even my children speaking to her? I do not know, I do not know.

I don’t know yet what I’m going to do, I just know I’m going to do something. It may be to choose to continue the estrangement with a new awareness that it is NOT okay with me.

I just know that leaving the ball in Mom’s court and my sister’s court is not working for me. But the appropriate response? I do not know, I do not know.

Your prayers would be appreciated.

Advertisements
 

6 Responses to “Estrangement”

  1. Sandra Says:

    Pam, I know exactly where you are coming from. I finally had to tell myself, enough is enough. I looked and I had a beautiful loving family and friends that loved me and understood me more than she ever could. Once I quit looking for her approval, friendship and love, I was okay with that. She was just another person in my life that the door was shut on! I love myself more than I could let the hurt and disappointment destroy my heart. Yes, she gave birth to you, but that does not mean there is a bond. I didn’t cry at my mother’s grave and I don’t talk to my brother or sister. I refuse to let them hurt me anymore. Family and friends, and sometimes family does not mean mom and siblings. You are a beautiful soul, that you carved out of the life you have. Take a deep breath, let go, and move forward. That’s just my view. Love you.

  2. eastlakecounty Says:

    Sandra, thank you so much for your response. I think you can probably tell I have some ambivalence…

    You said, ” She was just another person in my life that the door was shut on! I love myself more than I could let the hurt and disappointment destroy my heart.”

    I totally understand this, and it’s been my position for at least the past year. But as I think about what my father taught me about love (it’s a verb, not a feeling) and what my experience has taught me about grace (it’s true and of immeasurable value), well, for me, the time has come for me to re-examine my position. WHICH DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO RE-EXAMINE YOURS (unless in your dreams your mom starts giving you crap about your sister’s elephant. I mean, great dane)!!

    I’ve created a wonderful family for myself, and like you, the love and comfort I find with this created family is an amazing source of strength for me — perhaps strength enough to deal with my mother without letting her destroy my heart. God knows that for every disappointment she’s dealt me I’ve dealt one right back to her, so maybe the prayers need to be for HER to find the strength she needs to havea relationship with me.

    Really, I don’t know what I’m going to do. For the past couple weeks I’ve been on my side of that closed door just looking at it like an idiot. I have moved forward, though, and it will be a different person who walks through the door if I make the decision to open it.

    And I love you for saying that I’m a beautiful soul. I’m going to wrap that around myself and enjoy the heck out of it, but only after I tell you that I am fortunate enough to be able to surround myself with REAL beautiful souls and reflect back what I see there.

  3. becky Says:

    Ah….and there it is…as we mature, we are able to see the flaws in others as well as ourselves; and understand that , as humans, it’s OK. We give up the idea that people should act in a certain way, and realize that unless we can see all the way into their soul, we can never understand why they do the things they do. That kind of understanding comes from only one Place.

    We learn to be at peace when we really ‘let go and let God’.

    Weather or not you have lots of future interactions with either your sister or your mother really isn’t the point. The issue is how the last interactions between you has affected you.

    You needed time to make you strong enough to face this challenge. I know that your faith has helped make you strong.

    I continue to pray for you.

    • eastlakecounty Says:

      Love you, Becky…thanks for helping me work this through.

      Sandra and Becky are both, by the way, living examples of love as a verb rather than a feeling. Although I know they both experience it as a feeling as well.

  4. rs Says:

    The same God who sent His only begotten Son for you and put a value on you as a person beyond our human comprehension – loves those who have hurt and grieved you. He loves them as much as you he loves you and would die for them as He did for you – in fact, He did. This is a situation that requires prayer – – you may not see the results this side of eternity; but don’t give up. I’ve dealt with answered prayer unexpectedly a couple of years ago, long after (to my shame) I “gave up”. It is ok to back off and let God take control. The struggle is His… and He is already there in the future waiting (because He controls time) and knows the outcome!

    May you have His peace as you allow Him to take control and do what is right for the ones in your life whom you care for.

  5. eastlakecounty Says:

    When I read this it sounds like yelling. I’m not yelling. I think I’m perilously close to whining. Your patience is a beautiful thing.

    I *did* back off and put it in his hands. Now it’s back in my lap. Did I put it there? What the heck am I supposed to do with this mess? How come I feel no peace when a week ago I was fine? I know he’s standing right there at the end of this story just as he is at the end of every other story, but when do *I* get to go there? Huh? Huh? HUH?

    Can I regard my dream as a notice to myself that I have processing to do but that perhaps this does not mean I have to get in touch with my mother and/or sister? Because believe me, I can process much faster if I’m not so scared I have to keep changing pants, you know?

    How much of this is the world working on me to keep me stuck in feelings of incompetence and lack of worth? How much of it is legit? Why can’t we just be perfect NOW and get on with it?

    Well, there, then. Tantrum mode *off*. I think it’s a good thing I’m having dinner with my study group.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s